Wednesday, 17 September 2014

10 Kenyans be sure to find down the comments section

For Kenya, sometimes when there is little time to read the whole thing, go to the comment section and have some fun. Thou shalt find:

1. The sectarian, ethnocentric tribal lieutenant. Does not give a rat's shit who said it, what it was, how it was said - so long as the title says something against 'baba' or inches close to Uhuru-not-good. You can predict the rest of the text.

2. The wannabe PLO. The cheap, ordinary Kenyan who just found some space to excise with the few words they picked up off the thesaurus. 'Cantankerous' 'Idiosyncratic' 'Exasperating' 'Plebiscite' 'Achondroplasiastic' etc. Too many disjointed grotesque jargon devoid of substance (notice am trying to do it).

3. The verbose one: - hehe the one who should just go write a rejoinder or response to the article. Missed the communication skills class on 'summarising'. Comments always close to the size of the main article itself. And they can do many of them by the way.

4. The intellectual conman. The truly intelligent one with no sense of occasion. This one will tire you with theories of Walt Rostow and Socrates and Niccolo Machiavelli and Adam Smith. Has a point but fails to notice the diversity of the audience. Will easily loose you in their argument. Most of the time it is for show (you can bet his/her name will begin with a vowel 'O' or 'A' hehe).

5. The vulgar fraction. Do not spend time looking for the point. It is all about insults and abuse and shameless vulgarism. You either get pissed off if you are new to this stuff or learn to see the humour. Their comments are full of 'F' and 'D' and 'P' and 'C' words.

6. The shameless pitcher: This one smells opportunity. Never mind the article was about maternal mortality - they will post a link to their facebook fan page advertising their 'Ongata-Rongai world-class fumigation services'. They obviously never read the thing - they just saw so many people who are worth the pitch.

7. The know-it-all, ‘diasporic’, well-travelled, seen-it-alls. Their exemplification is full of "in the west" "in Europe" "in the States" "Go to Abu Dhabi you will see' etc. They will demean all other comments with their global views and self-righteousness.

8. The sorry slow-head. Never gets it. Bad spelling; terrible grammar. Arguments always out on a tangent. Lacks even the simplest and most obvious facts. You wonder why they showed up on the comment box.

9. The ruthless, die-hard debater. Has too much time. Probably lives on the net. Commenting, debating, hating is their job. Must have been in those upper-primary debating clubs of "a teacher is better than a doctor" Do not start an argument with them. It never ends.

10. The crack-head clown. Funny chap who draws humour out of even the dimmest most mundane comments. There is always something to make fun of and people like their comments a lot.

What kind of audience are YOU?

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